WELL, I CAVED....

So, after about 3 weeks of really not sleeping, folks....I caved...two nights ago, at 1:45 am, I took the low end prescribed 15 mg of Restoril, from which I had received benefit 2 years ago. After several months, moved on to 30 mg, the highest prescribed amount. That worked for about a year, and that brought me to the beginning of SLEEPLESSNESS!!! It brought me to the sleep clininc, it brought me to every nighttime routine, every holistic, over-the-counter-natural freakin' remedy I could get my hands on. TO...NO...AVAIL! So, last night at 11:00, I took 15 mg, Restoril. by 1:45, still not sleeping. Took another 15 mg bringing me to the recommended highest dose. Did get sporadic sleep. Tonight......30 mg at bedtime!!! I know it will work. And it will work until it doesn't work....and we'll "jump off that bridge when we get there!" (Someone I've known for a long time and recenlty deceased was fond of that saying...I've never used it before....but, somehow, it fits, right here, right now!)

Here's what I'm drawn to share with you today. You know, I've had many a year of an uneasy relationship with Danny. Danny is the name of my father. He has "moved ahead". In Februrary, it will be seven years (phew, that went fast!!)..Anyway, in a heated argument, I sort of "disowned" him as a father, and began calling him Danny when I was 16, I told him I wanted a blood test to "prove I came from his loins". I clearly believed I could not possibly have sprung from him! Today, I would have asked for DNA testing! I found Danny to be "difficult", inasmuch as he really didn't make life easy. Everything you asked of him seemed to be a problem for him. He was verrrrrry set in his ways and was not generous with money (big understatment here), nor was he generous with his time. I inherited his addiction to television.....I realize now it was his "anti-depressant", as it is probably mine. For sure an escape from the daily grind. Come to think of it....guess why it is probably the "drug of choice" for most of America! Television!....So, come to find out that not only do Danny and I share a "passion for TV....but, many attributes I distained about him seem not to be "Danny Things", but rather "Old People Things"! I tell you this because it is becomining more and more apparent as I get old, the things that perpetually annoyed Danny, and which I thought made him "intorlerant", are now beginning to bother me! He simply had "too much on his plate". Just getting through a normal day was a huge challenge and addition one more request of him was...well...simply not an option!

Lack of patience was a huge "flaw" I found in Danny. And that translated into selfeshness, which I now realize was a survival mechanism he created. I see that, like most of his generation (born in 1918), life WAS HARD!...Familial illness, lots of death, depression (The Great One, and the one in his mind). He lost my mother when she was just 35 (leaving me at 3 months old, a 10 year old son, and another daughter, 11). Danny's father died when Danny was 13, under "mysterious circumstances"....so, as he approached the end of his life, I began to see him as the "flawed" human being that he was, and finally learned that his "failings", like all of our "failings" were the by-products of a life he was not well-equipped to handle. Although, later in his life, his beloved TV did offer solutions to life's problems, first through Phil Donahue and then, most magnificently, through Oprah....when these shows aired, Danny simply chose to watch reruns of Matlock!

So, the point of all this is that, I as am becoming impatient, intolerent, even, I am really struggling not to be judgemental, to be compassionate, kinder, less self-absosrbed.....in essence, I am battling what some might call the inevitable....becoming Danny....and if I should....I hope my kids will be kinder to me than I was to him...

I'M BA-A-A-CK...

So, I missed a couple of days sharing some of my thoughts. Two days in a row of pretty much sleepless nights! I can safely say that the natural pill containing valerian root extract, melatonin and tryptophan DID NOT WORK!! What to do? What to do? Not only do I not want to continue with the prescription med, because I just don't want any more meds in me than necessary, and this particular one is known to put weight on (must slow metabalism), and I put on a couple of pounds I'm fighting to get off. I think already after two days, I feel the difference. Also, the longer you're on a sleep aid, the less it works .. may have to just use something else a couple of nights a week to get some recuperative sleep. Had an old "standby" med around for years, Restoril, it helped but then needed increased dosage. Hoping if I use it minimally, I won't get resistant to it!

Spent most of the day online yesterday, enrolling in my husbands health plan from work. What a job! However, thankful for a good set up, and our portion of the premiums for health, dental, and vision is doable. Not feeling too clever today....really tired...thinking of skipping the pool, and you know how much I love swimming....

A RAINY DAY....

So, this is a rainy Saturday in South Florida. Oh, we, South Floridians, distinguish South Florida from the rest of the state because the weather is sub-tropical and really different from most of other parts of Florida. Go up to, say, Jacksonville, and you'll be hard-pressed to find a palm tree. Oh, how I love the palms, all varieties! We have 14 different types on our property. Here's just a couple of views. Anyway, even a gray, gloomy day is beautiful! I think...

But, no matter where one lives in these here wonderful United States of America, or worldwide, for that matter, a rainy Saturday or Sunday, seems to lend itself to a perfect excuse for kicking back and doing pretty much nothing of importance. Watch old movies, or rent a recent one. Eat left-overs, or order in. Stay in whatever clothes you slept in. Get lost on the computer. Read. Write. Catch up on long-overdue phone calls, and always a favorite (if you freakin' can)~nap! Speaking of, not a good night for me, last night! Anxious for that triple, natural ingredients sleep aid I've ordered...

Anyway, there are tons of unnecessary stuff you can give yourself permission to do - guiltless pleasures~on a rainy day. Whenever I squeeze in something I love to do just for me on a day without rain, I always make sure the bed is made, the kitchen sink empty and clean, wrote that check out, made that follow-up phone call to the insurance company, and, well...you get the idea..... then, and only then, do I give myself permission to get to the pool. Or else, I absolutely make sure I do my "chores" when swimming is over. But, on a rainy week end day...all bets are off! So, the next time it rains on your weekend, spoiling any outdoor plans you have...remember ~ you get to NOT to do whatever you DON"T want to do! So, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna get busy NOT doing what I DON'T want to do!!

FRIDAY...AGAIN!?!?!

So, it's freakin' Friday, already, folks! Is it me, or is time just, like, zoomin' by? Pffffff! It's Friday! Pffffff! It's Friday! Pffffff....... Oy gevalt, as my Jewish friends have taught me to say on such an occasion. Or, Oy vey!!! Both work! So, Oy gevalt! Woke up, took my pills and the week is empty again. My pill case, hmm. Well, my pill case is, well, HUGE! It holds, multi-vitamin, pressure (prescribed med) pill, and the other prescription is, of course, lets say it all together, you all... "a sleeping pill!!". Which, oh, by the way, I didn't take upon bedtime last night. But, I only waited 45 minutes to see if I would sleep with just the valerian root....I DID NOT! Ughh!! Oh, and so, the vitamin, the two prescribed meds, then Calcium citrate with D (old lady bone meds, been taking for several years now), B complex, (3 very large) Omgea 3 fish oil gels (gotta take your Omega fish oils...I forget why, oh, yeah....memory!!), oh, and very beneficial for morning stiffness, and joint mobility, I find, (3 very large) glucosamine and chondroitin, reduced dose aspirin (never know when a stroke is lurking about!). I take half in the morning and half bedtime. I read that the body processes it all better when not taken all at once.

You paying attentiion here? You can benefit from this plethera of suplements I've gotten somehow sucked into taking. Plan on introducing red rice yeast next week, upon next doctor's visit (which visit is really re: yep, you got it...sleep issues!!). Red rice yeast is what Mike takes for its cholesterol lowering benefit. He reacted to the statin he was taking with sore joints, and so has benefited from this natural supplement. I suffered no joint issues, but have opted to get off the statin (Zocor), too, only because I read all of the oh-so-scary side effects (one of which is SLEEPLESSNESS!!!)

Oh, so, back to my suffering from terminal-time-is-flying-by-to-damn-quickly syndrome! When you're a kid...the weekend never comes...school-homework-school-homework...and on...."When will 3:00 pm Friday ever get here?!?!" Now days, gevalt! (here I go again....) Not only do I have to put together my stockpile of additives to my body, I have to do Mike's (not nearly as many as mine), and Justin's. Jus' meds are two pills that help his mood and so, allows him to live with us. No kidding. Mood can be difficult/impossible to manage without 'em. Also, a third pill: multi-vitamin is all. It is a real lesson in keeping one's mind "in the present moment" when doling out our weekly doses. Don't think I haven't mixed up who gets what once in a while....keeps 'em on their toes!

So, it's 10:00 Friday morning, and since I need to fill our cases with various shapes and colored tabs, gels and capsules tomorrow morning, I'd better gather them now! Happy weekend! But, hey, wasn't it just, like, three minutes ago when it was Saturday and it was our turn to have all the neighbors together for wii bowling and a food fest? No, not three minutes ago? Oh, guess it just feels that way!

PRINCIPESSA...

SO, HADDA TAKE MY CAT, PRINCIPESSA, FOR HER ANNUAL CHECK UP. THAT'S PRINCIPESSA, PRONOUCED "PRINCH`-A-PAY-SA", ITALIAN FOR PRINCESS. ACTUALLY, GOT HER BECAUSE IN THE MOVIE "LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL", THE HERO CALLS HIS WIFE-TO-BE "PRINCIPESSA" EACH TIME HE RUNS INTO HER UNTIL HE FINDS OUT HER NAME. MANY TIMES HE SAYS "BUON GIORNO, PRINCIPESSA!" AND I JUST LOVE THE SOUND OF IT: "BUON GIORNO, PRINCIPESSA!".....SO, I WENT TO OUR VET IN UPSTATE NEW YORK, NINE YEARS AGO. HE HAD STRAYS HE HAD TAKEN IN, FIXED THEM AND GAVE THEM SHOTS AND OFFERED THEM FOR FREE TO ANYONE WHO WOULD GIVE THEM A LOVING HOME. "AHA", I THOUGHT. "IF I TAKE A FEMALE, I CAN NAME HER 'PRINCIPESSA', AND SAY 'BUON GIORNO, PRINCIPESSA' ALL I WANT, UNTIL EVENING, THAT IS, THEN I'LL HAVE TO SAY 'BUONA SERA, PRINCIPESSA', BUT, I STILL GET TO SAY 'PRINCIPESSA'....AND WHEN EVENING PASSES, AND WE REACH NIGHT TIME, I GET TO SAY 'BUONA NOTE (THAT'S "NO`TAY"), PRINCIPESSA'...HELL, I'LL GET TO SAY 'PRINCIPESSA ALL I FREAKIN' WANT!"

SO, THAT'S WHAT I DID...NINE YEARS AGO, AROUND THIS TIME, AND I'VE ROLLED THAT DELECTABLE ITALIAN WORD OFF MY TONGUE COUNTLESS TIMES! SO, A SHOT, SOME SQUEEZING AROUND HER BODY, A STETHASCOPE TO HER CHEST, DENTAL CHECK UP, AND A TOOL SHOVED UP HER LITTLE (SHE'S ONLY 7 POUNDS) POOP SHOOT TO CHECK HER STOOL AND A YEAR'S SUPPLY OF HEART WORM PREVENTATIVE, TOGETHER WITH FLORIDA TAGS (MANDATORY, IN FLORIDA, EVEN THOUGH SHE'S AN "INDOOR CAT"), BRINGS US TO A GRAND TOTAL OF $197! BUT, IT'S WORTH IT...AFTER ALL, I CAN CONTINUE TO SAY "BUON GIORNO, BUONA SERA AND BUONA NOTE`, PRINCIPESSA!" ALL DAY LONG....GO ON ~ SAY IT. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO : "BUON GIORNO....THAT'S "BWON JOR-NO" (COME ON, NOW, ROLL THE "R")..."BWON JOR-NO, PRINCH-A-PAY-SA"......YA LIKE IT, DON'T YA? COME ON. SAY IT AGAIN. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO!

BUON GIORNO, AMICI (SAY-"AH-MEE`-CHEE)...GOOD DAY FRIENDS!

OH, SLEEP CHECK: LAST NIGHT WAS TERRIBLE. I ELIMINATED THE PRESCRIPTION MED, COUNTING ON THE VALARIEN ROOT TO PUT ME TO SLEEP. IT DID NOT! BY 2:45 AM, I WAS FORCED TO TAKE THE DAMN PILL, AND IN A HALF HOUR WAS ABLE TO DOZE. AWAITING THE ARRIVAL IN THE MAIL OF THE HOLISTIC COMBINATION I ORDERED....ALL I WANT IS A "BUONA NOTE`, DAMMIT!"...

COULD'VE BEEN WORSE!

SO, GANG, A PRETTY GOOD NIGHT'S REST. ADDING THE NATURAL VALARIEN ROOT TO MY HALVED SLEEPING PILL DOSAGE HAS BEEN PRETTY GOOD LAST FIVE DAYS. HOPING TO ELIMNATE THE PRESCRIPTION MED ALTOGETHER. ANYWAY, WOKE UP RESTED AND IMMEDIATELY ATTACKED BILLS AND PAPERWORK. THE VERY FIRST ITEM OF THE DAY, PAY A BILL. OH, SHIT...THE CHECK I'M UP TO IN THE CHECK BOOK REGISTER DOESN'T MATCH THE CHECK IN THE BOOK! HAPPINESS IS WHEN THEY MATCH! I NEGLECTED TO PUT THE LAST CHECK IN THE REGISTER. PANIC...DID MY HUSBAND, MIKE, TAKE A CHECK. HE WAS LOOKING FOR THE CHECKBOOK YESTERDAY. SHIT! IF I ASK HIM IF HE TOOK IT AND HE DIDN'T, THEN HE'LL KNOW THAT, YET AGAIN, I DIDN'T WRITE THE CHECK IN THE REGISTER. DON'T WANT THAT!!! I SORT OF RECOGNIZED THE AMOUNT. (BIG PLUS, USUALLY I HAVE NOT FREAKIN' IDEA ABOUT THE AMOUNT OR WHO IT COULD BE FOR....) I CALLED MY BANK AND FOUND OUT IT WAS CASHED, YAY! BUT THEY DON'T TELL YOU THE PAYEE. SO, I LOOKED IN MY FILES OF THE NYC WATER BOARD, 'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT IT WAS FOR, CALLED THEM AND HOLY FREAKIN' SHIT! IT WAS THEM! FIRST TRY...TWO PHONE CALLS. DONE. USUALLY, I GET INTO A SWEATY MELT-DOWN. SEE, NOW THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT CALL FOR YOU TO LIVE IN THE MOMENT. THAT ALLOWS YOU TO BE CALM AND REMIND YOURSELF THAT "THIS WILL PASS"..IN OTHER WORDS, YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT, IT'S NOT A LIFE THREATENING SITUATION! EVERY TIME AN ANNOYANCE LIKE THIS HAPPENS IS AN OPPORTUNITY TO "NOT SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF...AND IT'S ALL SMALL STUFF"...I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I BELIEVE THE "....AND IT'S ALL SMALL STUFF" PART.....'CAUSE LIFE DOES THROW SOME HEAVY SHIT AT US. BUT EVEN THE BIG STUFF CALLS FOR FIGURING IT OUT, AND IT WILL GET SORT OUT - ALL OF IT. I HAVE A COUSIN WHO IS IN REMISSION OF COLON CANCER. HER ATTITUDE WAS ENLIGHTENED, REALLY ENLIGHTENED. WHEN I TOLD HER HOW MUCH I ADMIRED HER STRENGTH. SHE TOLD ME, "WELL, ONE WAY OR THE OTHER, I WON'T HAVE CANCER ANYMORE."....CAN YOU IMAGINE ACCEPTING THE OUTCOME THAT WAY? DON'T GET ME WRONG, SHE IS A FIGHTER AND FOR SURE BATTLED HER "BUMPS IN THE ROAD". WHEN THE CHEMO WAS UNBEARABLE AND SHE HAD TO STOP, PUTTING HER REGIME BACK FOR WEEKS, THAT'S WHAT SHE CALLED IT..."A BUMP IN THE ROAD."

I SEE THAT THROUGH ALL MY "SELF-AWARENESS" READINGS, IT IS ALL PRETTY MUCH THE SAME.....SAME MESSAGE, DIFFERENT MESSENGERS AND THAT MESSAGE IS ACCEPTANCE. IT'S NOT WHAT HAPPENS TO US, IT'S HOW WE HANDLE IT. IF YOU CAN CHANGE IT, CHANGE IT, IF YOU DON'T CHANGE SOMETHING THAT CAN BE CHANGED, THEN YOU DON'T WANT IT CHANGED! AND THAT MEANS YOU'VE ACCEPTED IT, SO DON'T FREAKIN' COMPLAIN (THIS IS ALL STUFF I TELL MYSELF, SO DON'T THINK I'M PREACHING TO YOU~) AND IF YOU REALLY CANNOT CHANGE IT, THEN ON DIFFERENT LEVELS, YOU WILL ACCEPT IT, WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO? BUT, SOME OF US NEED HELP IN ACCEPTING SOMETHING WE DON'T WANT AND CAN'T CHANGE. SO, WE GET HELP FROM OVER EATING, OVER SPENDING, ABUSING BOOZE, DRUGS (PRESCRIPTION OR NOT). YEP, EVERY MINUTE OF EVERY DAY ASKS US TO ACCEPT. ACCEPT THAT YOU'RE LATE AND IN A TRAFFIC JAM. ACCEPT THAT YOU'RE LATE AND YET AGAIN, CANNOT FIND YOUR KEYS. ACCEPT THAT MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOURSELF MORE TIME AND, SO, RUNNING LATE WON'T BE A PROBLEM. EASY FOR ME TO SAY! THINK I FOLLOW THAT PRINCIPLE? BETTER RUN NOW, OR I WON'T HAVE TIME TO SWIM...